GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING, ladies, gentlemen, and magnificent viewers alike! My name is Salendar, and I will be your host for the next twenty minutes of your life! As many of you are aware, I was dead for a little while, and I'm still working out some issues, so excuse me if I'm not quite my usual self! Without further ado, buckle up, folks, because we're about to present for your entertainment three stories of almost incredible events!
Picture this: dwarven miners, stout and sturdy, wielding pickaxes with all the care and finesse their race is known for! In other words, none of either, and we love them for it. Many of you likely imagine the mining is joy enough for these hardy workers, but apparently, we have to feed them as well! They work more hours than it takes the average orc to solve a ten piece jigsaw, with safety measures slimmer than an elven blade, and payment so insignificant that most of what they mine, they have no choice but to steal! These dwarves, the unsung heroes of the underground, deserve better.
But fear not, dear audience, for the dwarven communities are rising from the depths in protest! From the unfortunately named mines of Great Forge to the forges of Valoran, dwarven leaders are throwing down picks in favour of banners, demanding fair wages, improved working conditions, and a restructuring of the mining hierarchy! It's a dwarven uprising, and though they only stand at four feet each, together they are mighty! Or so they would be...
However, Goblin employment in mines has tripled within the last week alone. Their lack of maths skills and minimal diet makes them perfect for long stints in the mines, working for a ham sandwich a day and a games night on Fridays - much less than the dwarves are demanding. They are such cheap labour, many of them don't actually understand the concept of money any more than a bugbear understands table manners. These new workers have been replacing dwarves rapidly, and in a cruel twist of fate, are proving more profitable to companies than hiring more specialist dwarves! The goblins may not be great for finding gold, but they are becoming the golden ticket for corporate coffers!
For our third and final story, some more local news. Local monster rights group, G.R.O.W.L - the Guild for Rights of Other-Worldly Life - has announced its very own candidate for the upcoming Nullore election! The candidate, a charismatic chimera named Cassy, promises to bridge the gap between monstrous and mundane, bringing unity and understanding to a realm that often forgets that monsters have feelings too! Are monsters really ready to trade terrors for taxes, and the dead for working deadlines? Will Cassy become the first creature of chaos to sit in the Nullore council? Only time will tell, but one thing's for sure – this election promises to be very interesting!
Unfortunately, that's all the time we have this week! Tune in next week to see more surprises than a gorgon in a mirror maze! This is Salendar, signing off from Bright Side News, where the glass is always one-tenth full! Share your stories at 0800-notmyproblem-1701, and if our team deems you worthy of a segment on our next episode, you could be eligible for a cash prize of up to a million gold pieces!
