GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING, Ladies, Gentlemen, and viewers of every variety in between! My name is Salendar, and I'll be your host for today's episode! As much as I'd love to sit here and tell you all the reasons why the world is failing and I am the voice of God, unfortunately the studio insists that I do something suitably jolly for the holiday season, and apparently exposing Santa as a charlatan didn't count, so instead they've told me what stories I'm allowed to present. They didn't tell me how I can present them though... prepare for some stories designed to either warm your heart or leave you questioning the true meaning of magic. Without further ado, let's unwrap these jolly tales Gale thinks are so essential!
Our first story takes us to the heart of Snowflake Square, a charming town that celebrates Christmas year-round. Probably not so special at that point, it probably ruins the magic. In a futile attempt to keep joy real in that purgatory of a Christmas hellscape, a masked man has been giving out presents and playing carols for the children with his enchanted flute. With his bag of jokes and his cheerful disposition, the town has quickly fallen in love with the masked figure! As you may suspect, I think there is foul play at work here. I decided to go down to that merry mistake of town planning to check it out with my own eyes. The people there... That man isn't just playing music. He's advertising for premium toymakers!
_*Sally slams his fist on the desk*_
That performer is using Christmas cheer as an excuse to sell children all the most expensive toy brands! I wish I'd thought of it first, he's probably making a killing! We can only hope that the Music Man hears about that enchanted flute and feeds it to that walking talking radio ad before he bankrupts parents everywhere!
On the topic of luxury toy makers, two rival toymakers from the local area, Jingle Jangles and Timmy Gearsmith, are engaged in an epic battle of creativity as they strive to outdo each other with increasingly elaborate and peculiar toys. The local safety inspectors are working overtime to ensure the children of the magical realm are not in harm's way, which by the looks of things, they very often are. Flames, blinding lights, and similar threats being openly advertised as the coolest new toys. One item that failed those safety standards was Gearsmith's Flyaway!, which led to a child breaking records for airspeed travel. Mach 5, if you're wondering. As much as I love this kind of story - believe me, I do love this kind of story - the rival toymakers have driven the costs of safety testing these toys upwards to the tune of 875%. With that kind of money being spent, it's uncertain how Nullore will pay for this year's Great Winter feast...
Speaking of which, this year's feast is to be organised by Cassy the Chimera on behalf of G.R.O.W.L - the Guild for the Rights of Other Worldly Life. it's set up to be one of the best yet, monsters such as myself dispersed evenly between the delicious blood bags that are the common races. As Monster and Man organise the festive event hand in hand, I can't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe... there's hope yet for an equal future. That’s certainly what Cassy will be hoping for, this event could be the act that propels them to council membership!
And that's all we've got for this sickeningly jolly holiday special! If you have your own heartwarming, terrifying, or downright bizarre tales to share, contact the studio at 0800-notmyproblem-1701. If we use your story, we'll make sure to give you the credit you deserve! If you have any complaints, please send them in writing. It's cheaper than buying coal for my fireplace, and I get some satisfaction from it. Tune in next week for three more stories from across the realms, and until then, thank you for listening to Bright Side News, where the glass is always one tenth full!
