GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING Ladies, Gentlemen and viewers of every variety in between! My name is Salendar, and I'll be your host for today's episode! Have you ever woken up in the mornings with a hunger? A sheer, dire need to consume? A desire to sink your teeth into something, just for the sake of a full stomach? It's nothing to be ashamed of, we all get bloodlust sometimes. Well, this episode might just be for you. I, with my brilliant mind, have uncovered a group of hunters illegally hunting in Nullore territory! More on that later, but be warned, if you don't like animals bring harmed…you probably shouldn't be on Bright Side News. Did you miss the section on Black market fairy dust?
But first, what got me looking for such hunters? Other than my usual hobby, my interest in this group was first piqued by the release of the newest edition of the Ranger's Bestiary. For those of you who don't know, the Ranger's guild is a group of traveling warriors for hire, specializing in monsters. If they visit a town played by Werewolves, Vampires, Loxons, or similar creatures, their job is to kill the thing and save the town. I've met a couple in my time, and I must admit, they're good at what they do.
Sally shuffles uncomfortably, the arrogant personality broken for a few moments
Too good… Ahem. The latest edition was nothing you wouldn't expect from such a book, with just one problem. G.R.O.W.L, the guild for the Rights of Other Wordly Life, has grown in power and popularity since the last revision. The difference between ‘monster’ and ‘client’ isn't as clear as it once was, and yet no races have been removed from this edition. Worse, Lizardfolk have been _added!_ I of all people am being concerned as a monster worth hunting! Naturally, non-human races everywhere are in uproar about the backwards thinking of the Ranger's guild, and the Ranger's have refused to make edits until the entire race is deemed “safe and controlled”. Many question whether humanity fit that bill…
In news I have to tell you it's completely unrelated to the addition of Lizardfolk to a book intended for sanctioned monster hunters, Lizardfolk murder rates have increased dramatically of late, as have the deaths of Ranger's assigned to hunt Lizardfolk. Is like to say now for the sake of official record, I have never knowingly harmed another living creature, and would never try to attack a ranger, even if they were sent to kill me. In fact, I would calmly and peacefully surrender to the ranger, or speak to my local authorities about protection. More Lizardfolk teeth or claws are being found in black market sting operations.I decided to investigate, and through a strong of entirely legal actions, have discovered a group of poachers influencing the Ranger's guild, and using these changes to communicate creatures in high demand for their resources.
In our final story, what I hope will be our final mention of the winter festivals, a child has gone from rags to riches overnight. This child is about as bad as they get, breaking new laws every month just for the sake of chaos. But was there a method to the madness? Well, after nine years collecting boxes of coal - the customary gift for naughty children - he has reportedly generated over 288,066 gold pieces, one silver and two copper pieces*. How you may ask? Well, coal is made of pure carbon. As is diamond. Some of you may have heard the phrase “pressure makes diamonds”, but this kid took it seriously. Through some combination of skill and what I can only assume is divine intervention, this child has been throwing coal into a cliff with such force that the carbon has realigned itself into a crystal structure. In other words, a boy with a box of coal, a strong arm, and a dream of power has created diamonds by throwing things really, really hard. It was a human kid…just saying. Seems safe and controlled to me.
Unfortunately, our time together has come to an end, and I must leave you on your own until next week. If you have your own stories to share, please contact the studio at 0800-notmyproblem-1701. If we use your story, we'll make sure to give you the credit you deserve. The studios technical team say we should have the incredible technology of a website soon, but are struggling to do their jobs due to cuts in staff. I do have sharp claws, I'm not surprised.
*£23,428,140.78.
